Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. -Guillaume Apollinaire
John Gottman is a researcher who is famous for his book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. Gottman’s writing has stuck with me. I read his books years ago, and still find myself referencing them. A key to my marriage is Gottman’s 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, which he explains in this video:
I used to spend a lot of time working on my marriage, but it stressed my husband out. At some point he commented about how draining all this work was for him. It was then that I remembered the 5 to 1 ratio. I decided that the best work I could do was to stop doing so much work, and just enjoy time with my husband, Patri. And it worked! Patri and I have enjoyed our marriage very much since I had that revelation, and he has not complained of feeling stressed about putting effort into our relationship.
Because Patri is getting so much positive energy from our relationship, he doesn’t mind the occasional effort toward improvement. As Gottman says, the 1 in the 5 to 1 ratio is important too. He explains in one of his books that couples with no conflict tend to separate just like the ones that have too much conflict.
I find the ratio of 5 to 1 for positive interactions to negative to be useful in all of my interpersonal relationships. If I have an argument now, I make a point of initiating some positive social interactions to keep the balance.
You need the positive in order to have something good to work on.
In coaching school we’re taught to ask open ended questions. People respond by opening up and it helps them explore their inner world.
In my improv class, we’re trained to do just the opposite! Don’t ask questions, just make statements. The reason behind this is that asking a question puts the work of creation on your partner, whereas in Improv, you want to contribute material to the scene.
Both styles have a place in regular conversation. Open ended questions are useful to encourage your conversational partner to open up and feel your interest. Contributing to the conversation with statements will relieve the other person from the responsibility make conversation, and will help your conversational partner learn about you and your interests.
Jason was having problems with his girlfriend. He wanted her attention, but she didn’t feel she had the energy to give him more of her attention, and she told him that he was annoying her when he requested more of her time.
He came to coaching wanting to figure out how to not annoy her. What I told him is that this already puts him behind the 8 ball.
“You don’t want to not-annoy her, you want to attract her!”
This reframe helped a lot. Because he’s now coming from a place of feeling empowered to change his situation, he’s able to empathize with her about how she really cares about the relationship, and that she is trying to make things work. From this new perspective, he feels that he’s able to contribute to work on the relationship with her together, instead of just working to get her attention.
Its the new year, and you’re putting into practice all those resolutions you’ve set out to achieve. It can be overwhelming to have these grand ideas without a good structure to start, or well defined goals to work toward. Here’s a tip, use SMART goals.
When someone compliments something you’ve done, say thank you. Not “oh it was easy,” “I should have done it better,” or “it was just luck.”
Those three things could all be true. And, you did do it! Life is a series of choices, doings, moments. Some are harder than others. If you’re going to say “oh it was easy,” how often do you answer compliments the other way, “oh it was hard?”
There is no formula to life. No right amount of difficulty. So accept the gift of thanks that you are given. It is the most graceful and pleasant thing you can do in the face of appreciation and gratitude.
The book Made to Stickexplains how metaphors stick in our mind more effectively than dry explanations. I often work with people using metaphor in my phone coaching practice. Not only are metaphors more memorable, but they also help us understand our own thoughts in ways that our minds cannot process without them.
“Its like a train blazing down the tracks!” “Its like I hit a wall.” “Its like I’m stuck in a dark grey fog.”
Someone might be referring to their confusion in relationship as “stuck in the dark grey fog.” In coaching we might explore what that grey fog is like. A client could elaborate: Its dark, its heavy, I can’t see my hand in front of my face.
As they continue elaborating, it might dawn on them that the fog is coming from the lack of expectations set about the relationship. In my experience, the use of metaphor is often more effective in helping clients reach these sorts of “ah ha” moments than a more dry description, such as “I’m confused.” There’s so much more to work with when the description of the same thing is “Its like being stuck in the fog.”
Metaphors are physical, like our body, while abstractions are mental, like, well, our minds. Our emotions are part of the older, more physical systems of our brain, better invoked by sensory images than abstract concept. When trying to work with emotions, as we often are in coaching, these concrete sensory images are much better for connecting with what the client is feeling.
Our minds think in metaphors. Talking in metaphors is something that can be foriegn to people, especially in the context of working with a professsional, so people often find coaching a unique insight into their own minds.
Carrie came to her coaching session feeling distressed about her eating habits. She has a problem with compulsive binging. She has worked hard and created a great strategies for dealing with her problem, but she still loses control on occasion.
The most awful part of the binging is how hopeless and alone she feels. She tells herself that she’s a freak — inhuman, and that no one would understand.
In the coaching session we explored many different perspectives that she could take about her eating. We explored a couple of perspectives that helped her feel better after the fact, but weren’t very helpful in the moment.
Eventually she came up with a perspective that resonated with her. She loves understanding and helping people. She focused on the connection that her eating disorder provides her: it helps her connect with other people who feel similarly. And in this way, it helps her feel part of a larger whole instead of being isolated.
She found a genuine gratitude for the gift of human connection that her hardship has given her, and we explored ways in which she can remind herself and take actions to bring this light into her life when she’s feeling dark.
Paradoxes have historically baffled me, because when I thought about them in my teens, they seemed so obvious. I could give a logical explanation for any supposedly deep paradox that I heard.
Something I’ve learned, at this point in life, is that experience and knowledge help me understand notions that I was completely oblivious to in my teen years.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
I still don’t know what I don’t know.
My strategy in the now for being as enlightened as possible, is to leave room for what I don’t know. I am aware that there is much more to life than I am aware of, so I draw my conclusions lightly.
What is something that you both know and don’t know?
There is the tale of the emperor who has no clothes. Human beings are smart and intuitive, and we often see through the metaphorical clothes that we are wearing.
When I admit things that are hard to admit or that I’m embarrassed about to my husband, he usually responds that he already knew anyway.
Which reminds me that anyone else who is paying attention probably already knows too. Sorry about that ego.
Its another lesson I learned at Effective Influence. I was so scared to voice negative opinions of people, so the leaders encouraged me to let it rip. The lesson above is what I learned. People already knew. And they didn’t have harsh judgments about me because of it.
Grant it, that was in a crowd of people who are very emotionally aware, and my husband knows me incredibly well, but I think in general people know way more about my thoughts and feeling than I give them credit for.
Appreciate your friends and fellow humans for the wonderfully intuitive and insightful beings that they are. We see through each other’s facades, and still generally treat each other with respect.
Coaching will change your life. Imagine someone there to help you set goals, that really move you, and really get to the core of who you are and who you want to be. And then imagine someone being along with you on the journey, working with you to achieve those goals.
I would be honored to be that person for you. I work over the phone or from an office in Palo Alto. If you are interested in trying a free sample coaching session please call me @ 415-710-4402, or email at
